Origin Spark is many things. It is a name, an alias, a label, an idea about hope and possibility. The name is being used to mask the identity of the original writer of this blog. The label is used to identify the idea to be presented. The idea is that the true source of all things seen, unseen, felt, thought, known, unknown as of yet, is here with us all, all the time.
Origin Spark is being used to remind you that there is a spark inside you waiting for its chance to ignite the flames of your soul. Your soul is waiting patiently for you to wake up to your truth. Your soul wants you to know that you are not your body, your mind, your job, your label, your possessions, your problems, your pain, your past, or your future. Your soul has a purpose.
The alias is being used to protect the people who have come into my life to shape me and make me who I am. For without them I could not have grown on my path. Some people in my life would not be able to handle the truth, that they caused me pain. I choose to not harm another as it is unnecessary for my healing.
The author behind the name:
My story is probably a lot like many of yours. I was going about my life and I thought I was doing pretty good. I had a good job that paid the bills. I lived modestly and was not too far in debt. I was in a relationship that was good and we didn’t fight too much. I was healthy and rarely got sick. By outward appearances I had a good life. But I had a nagging feeling inside me, that I couldn’t quite define. I often wondered if that was all there was to it, if that was all there was to my life? Wake up, go to work, pay bills, love my partner, argue with my partner, walk the dogs, sleep, repeat.
For many years this is what I thought about the way I grew up–I had a happy childhood, I had good parents, my father was a good provider, my mother sacrificed her life and stayed at home to raise two children. I had a mean older brother. I survived my childhood. Weird statement right? Now at this point in my life, I didn’t know why I had that thought, I didn’t know why I hated visiting my family on holidays. I didn’t know why I felt compelled to drink alcoholic beverages. I didn’t know why sometimes I felt blue or lonely for no apparent reason. I didn’t know why my only emotion was anger. I had two speeds, calm and angry, nothing in between. I thought therapy was for people who weren’t strong. I was managing my life, didn’t let the alcohol affect my job, so I was ok, right?
Well, I knew one thing, I was not happy. I had no idea what to do about it. So I just soldiered on and kept doing what I had always done, move forward, ignore, deny, drink, work, sleep, repeat. I did this many years. During this time I was a very reactionary person, I was unconscious on many levels. I could not make many decisions consciously because my reactions were so quick. I had no idea that I was hyper-vigilant. I just knew I was quick to assess all situations and come to quick solutions to survive. I had no idea why I could never relax, ever. Even alcohol was no match for my vigilance. I never slept well, and forget about sleeping on a vacation.
2006 is when it happened. I got sick, I was exhausted. I got a few mystery illness diagnoses. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, hormone imbalance, Epstein-Barr Virus, food intolerances, gut issues, and circadian rhythm disruption just to name a few. I spent a few years with multiple doctors, multiple drugs, and none could fix me. Western medicine could not fix what ailed me. All the blood tests and other tests showed my body was functioning normally and I just needed more rest. One doctor told me it was just stress and I should quit my job. I lost my body, my mind, the life I had, my relationship, and my friends because I was so exhausted. I dreaded walking the dogs. I barely hung onto my job and I was in constant fear of losing it. There were days I could not speak, think, or open my eyes. I had to check everyday to see if I paid my bills because I couldn’t remember, and this was very scary because all my life my mind had been able to remember things. I could keep lists in my head until the task was done. Some days I didn’t have the energy to feed myself. I knew I wasn’t depressed because I kept thinking I can’t live like this, I want to be well. I have more life to live.
The beginning of my transformation
I was a lump of coal and the illness was the force being applied to change me into a diamond. I had no idea I needed to change. I thought the way I was living was a good life. My soul knew differently. One day I was laying on my couch fearing that my life was over due to my illness. I knew I didn’t want to live that way and I felt there was more for me to do in my life. I wanted to live. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t have anyone to turn to, I was all alone except for my loving dogs. I said out loud “help me”. I didn’t know why I said it, but I knew the words had to get out of me and into the ether. After I said those words I felt a tiny bit better. I found the feeling odd since I had never noticed that type of feeling. Soon after that a book came into my life. The book that started my healing. The weird thing is that the book title kept appearing to me through different means. Once a friend suggested I read it. The next time a friend said they had it and would lend it to me. The third time was after my partner left me and I found it in my house. Each time I dismissed it because I didn’t like the title and I didn’t have the energy to read it. After the third time it showed up I thought something was up so I decided to find the energy to read it. After I read it I pondered it. Somewhere inside me I knew it meant something to me; I just didn’t know what. I did know the information was something I could believe in, trust, and use. I found out that I was missing a big part of my life. My life was out of balance and that needed to be corrected to heal my body, mind, and soul.
I was very much a person who lived their life in their body and mind. I had the erroneous belief that if I had enough money and some form of love that I could be happy. I was a human doing and had no idea how to just Be. I had no spiritual life. There was no way in hell I could sit still. I thought meditation was another word for torture. I relied on what my five senses were telling me and believed that was all to life; that we are born, we live, we die.
Spiritual Life Awakening
After reading the book, I delved into spirituality to find my center, to find my soul, to know my creator, to know myself, and to try to make myself whole. I began reading other books in the same genre. I became interested in learning about things I wasn’t taught in school and things many people scoffed at as nonsense since it could not be proven scientifically. I was curious about this new information. Through my readings, through my questioning my own belief systems I came to a new way of thinking about life, my purpose, and my limited way of being. Finally I had hope that I could heal myself.
I incorporated a new belief. That everything is energy. We were unlimited energetic beings who were having a human experience. Slowly, and I mean excruciatingly slowly, my life, my body, my mind and my soul began changing for the better. I was in my mid-forties at the time. I had a lot of de-programming to do. I had to question every belief that was taught to me. I had so many life experiences to review. I had to find out who I was, not who I thought I was, or what other people thought I was. Who was I? What did I like? What inspired me? What do I create? What is peace? What is love? How do I learn and define these things?
Decision and Turning Point
After my initial research into spirituality, energy and chakra healing, and really understanding the The Four Agreements I made a decision. I decided I was going to learn more about myself and change into a better person. Through my questioning and observation of my life I determined I was just going thru the motions of living. What I thought was love was actually conditional love. Everyone in my life, everyone I knew, was trading favors for love. That’s not love, it’s an unspoken agreement. I wanted to know true unconditional love. I had never seen it. I wanted to be a happy, loving, joyful, compassionate person. After I made this decision there began a cascade of more information to help me on my path to healing. I found a doctor’s office that specialized in integrative medicine. The doctor I saw referred me to an alternative practitioner. At the time it was called Holographic Repatterning. I had no idea what it was and my doctor said it was wacky, hoodoo, voodoo magic and it worked for many of her patients who had mystery illnesses. Remembering back to the book that kept being thrown in my face I decided this was a sign from the universe. I scheduled an appointment. That appointment led to hundreds more which led to other therapies. Numerous ways to heal a body, mind, and spirit.
Results so Far
The illness was a blessing. It made me stop everything I was doing and being. It gave me the opportunity to really look at myself and the time to make the necessary changes.
Through my healing journey I found out that I had many masks I wore and showed to the world depending on the situation. I found out that sometimes my words and actions were not in alignment. I found out my childhood was not as happy as I believed. That my family was extremely dysfunctional and I had endured trauma. Decades of not being aware of those truths took its toll on me. I was out of balance, my life was out of balance. I had suppressed emotions that manifested in disease.
I used all available signs, nudges, and coincidences provided by the universe to continue on my path. I remain open and curious to see what comes next. In this blog I will be sharing things I have done, tried, know about and think about trying next.
I am happy to share that my heart is full of love for my fellow humans. Love is what we all want and deserve. My wish is that they all heal from the trauma they have endured. I can look upon them with compassion and recognize their pain. I am no longer on auto-pilot; a slave to my subconscious. Since I am not reacting and getting defensive I can maintain my calm in the face of difficult situations that may arise. I am able to listen and ask questions to gain further understanding. Understanding yourself and understanding another person during a conflict will bring you together to garner a mutually beneficial resolution.
My health has improved tremendously and my physical body is functioning as it should. My emotional and energetic bodies have expanded. My mind is conscious and under my control. My spirit is exploding with joy that I am awake to it and honoring its dreams of being the best version of me. I am able to be in a relationship, sleep, work, travel, play with my dogs, learn to set up a web page and write this blog.
I found a new partner, dated for a year and then married. We are happy and continue to enjoy creating our life together.
I am happier now than I have ever been in my life. I have so much to appreciate, so much to share, so much to love. I know who I used to be and I know who I am now. I have compassion for who I used to be and I really like the person I am now. The people who are coming into my life are amazing and I am building quality relationships. I can identify and be with all my emotions. I can identify my needs, state them, and get them met. I have boundaries that keep me from going down resentment road. I know and have unconditional love from many sources.
More to come soon!! Site under construction, please check back